Anything Could Happen....

I'm a girl who believes and hopes. I'm full of positive energy. Except when it comes to dating. Specifically, my dating life. I'm full of hope and love for my friends and their loves, but I struggle to hope for my own romantic relationships.

My dating stories feel like war wounds that have given me PTSD. And among the worst dating stories are my online dating experiences. A girl wants to be loved and valued and pursued and have genuine interest be had in her. I continually feel like an object and valued for interest in sex only from online dating prospects. And I'm fed up with being undervalued.

The final straw was a man I'll call the bondsman. He happens to own a bail bond company and we met for lunch. At the end of the hour the man couldn't remember my name. And a couple hours later he emailed me a rather salacious email. Its not the first time I've met and spent time with a man who turned out to have no interest in me, but rather only my body to quench his personal desires. That doesn't make this time any less hurtful.

After not replying to the bondsman I thought for the evening if I even wanted to be on this dating website or any other for that matter. I made the decision to cancel all my online dating profiles. Over the last few years I've had one too many experiences similar to the bondsman and quite frankly, I am too old for this shit. It took me a couple days to get time to close the three accounts I had open on different sites, but I worked toward all getting closed.

Before I got to closing my last site account I received an email from a man who had contacted me a few times during the previous year. His emails were always kind, and flirty but there wasn't reason for me to think anything beyond enjoying having this admirer. This time however, his message included a phone number and a note that he wanted to keep in contact, not knowing what was to come except that he wanted to keep in contact. I was flattered. And I was immediately unsure of his motives, but curious. So I saved his number and deleted that last account.

I was mentally and emotionally and physically abused by my mother until I finally cut her out of my life. That was twenty two years I've been trying to un-change. Then there were babysitters who were males who were inappropriate to my childhood self. There were seven little girls that were torn from my life.Then there was the man who I thought I was going to marry who cheated on me. And countless dating stories that have entertained many a dinner party or evening out with my best gal pals.

I've learned that I can have a good life. I can be happy. I can be strong. I just can't have somebody to love. People I love hurt me or leave me. It hurts too much to willingly continue to submit myself to heartbreak and loss. So I've gotten really good at loving my friends and their babes and I've grown to accept I'm ok alone and safer there too.

The thought that continues to cross my mind is how I was willing to be done with online dating. I had decided to move on and then was suddenly surprised with that last email. Could this person be different? Could this person have genuine interest in me? Is this man worth once again letting myself be vulnerable? Is he another 'bondsman' or horrible story to share with my girlfriends? Is this guy just going to suddenly disappear and leave me heartbroken?

There's really no way to know for sure. If I want to know, I've got to be willing to take the risk. What if that lovely dream really is possible? What if?