It's Ok to Celebrate

One week ago I bought a new car. A brand new car!!! Its not the first time in my life I've done that, but its still exciting and new. And so fun. And I'm so grateful that I have a good job that has provided a steady income for 7 1/2 years now. I'm really grateful that I have a home that I just adore and thrive in and enjoy decorating and freshening up.

And yet, after all these good things that I recognize and I'm grateful for I have fear. I was honestly scared until just yesterday that the dealership was going to call me and make me return the car. I know this is irrational. I know this isn't healthy thinking. But you see, if you grew up like I did - always worried when you're going to eat and moving every few months and knowing what food stamps are, you never want to be that broke again. And while I've made a really good life that isn't too comfortable and isn't too extravagant, I worry I will forget where I've come from and I could be there again.

As I think more on this and share my honesty, I realize my feelings come from being around my mother and that side of the family for Cyl's funeral. Seeing my mother and experiencing her bipolar treatment to my father, hearing about things in pawn and needing to be bought before its too late, meeting my brother-in-law for the first time that wasn't even 4 months out of prison were things to deal with as well as saying goodbye to my sister.

Goodbyes are never easy. I've come to the reality that Cyl is gone. God bless my family for taking it up a notch with drama and chaos in telling her goodbye. And weird as it may sound, I thank my mom's family for the reminder of who I am and who I've become. I have no reason to feel guilty for my life. I have no reason to live up to the expectations they set for me. I've passed those and I'm continuing to succeed.

Despite how I grew up and the effort I've made to move on from that other life, I have this PTSD that seems to have crept up on me. Pulling my mind back to remembering years that I'd rather never recall. While its ok to remember and feel the emotions and work through my feelings, I'm not going back!!! I'm not that girl anymore. Maybe I needed the reminder of where I've come from, to enhance my appreciation for this life I've created. Perhaps I needed to remember that fear to realize how productive and stable I have become. And perhaps Cylvia needed me to let go of the guilt I have felt for having such a different life from her and my brother by reminding me of the life I'd left behind when I helped lay her to rest.

Every day we make choices. Every single day. What we will wear. What time we will get up. If we will brush our teeth or not. If we will pay a certain bill or use that money on something else. If we will be on time to work. If we take the freeway or the city streets. All of these are choices we face every day. How we choose to live is in our control. And owning those choices and not being a victim of someone else's choices is also in our control. I have made some pretty great choices over the last 10 years, and a few that were no so great. At the end of the day I know I have a blessed life that is full of possibility, love, education, hard work, and my own choices.

By taking control and owning my choices I know life won't be perfect, but I also know I'm in pretty capable hands based on the track record I have for creating a damn good life out of a burning house. And tomorrow when I walk out the door I won't worry I'll have a tow truck greeting me. Instead, I'll drive to my job and enjoy the new car smell without fear. I'll go about my day remembering my sister and thanking her for freeing me from my guilt, for reminding me I can be proud of myself and what I've accomplished without fear of losing it all for feeling a little pride for those accomplishments.