If Tomorrow Never Comes

I'm sitting in bed in the motel in small town, middle of no-where Washington with the deadbolt locked and the chain latched. Hilton doesn't exactly extend their chain up here. This is soooo the place I'd call my sister and tell her where I was and how middle of no-where and slum-like it feels. And she'd laugh and tell me what a spoiled city girl I am and we'd compare her small town life to my city girl lifestyle.

Tonight is different. I'm here in this small, middle of nowhere town to say goodbye. We're burying Cyl tomorrow. All I can think is if I don't go to sleep, then tomorrow won't really come. Right?

The week has been insane and illogical. Our mother left our father off the obituary. She had her current husband call and tell our father not to come to the funeral and threatened to call the police if he comes. After 30+ years of divorce my mother cannot stop the hatred. She cannot think beyond herself. For Cylvia.

Its been 6 days since my sister died. I was just wrapping my head around the idea that I can't pick up the phone and call her. I can't text her pictures. I can't get mad at her anymore. I can't laugh until my stomach hurts with her anymore. I can't take roadtrips where we both intake too much caffeine anymore.

Tomorrow I will dress in black. My jewelry and eyeshadow will be purple, my Cyl's favorite color. And I will cry. And I will smile. And I will say goodbye. And lay my sister to rest.

A Broken Limb on the Family Tree

Its been 4 days since my sister died. My sister is dead. That's a weird reality that still hasn't quite set in. And I'm mad at her. I'm mad at her for dying and being so close to my mom before she died. I'm mad at her for leaving and now I've got to say goodbye to her along with my mom. I'm mad at Cyl for marrying a man that is an ex-con that I have to share saying goodbye to her with. I'm mad at her for being her mother's daughter and not breaking the cycle.

I'm mad because I miss my sister. We fought. We didn't always agree. But we always had each other's back. Nobody stood up for me faster or better than my sister. Nobody supported my crazy plans more than my sister. Nobody was prouder of me than my sister for going back to school.

She made me crazy how she was always such a hothead, but I always admired how she said exactly what was on her mind. You always knew where you stood with Cyl. When I brought Miss P home Cyl was my roommate. Miss P was so sick that first weekend and almost died. My sister was with me at the vet when we left the sick puppy, and she was the one that picked Miss P up early so I didn't have to get her from the vet, and instead came home from work to a happy, sleepy puppy.

I can't bring her back. I can't change that she's gone. I'll see her again. She's free from her bad marriage. She's free from my mother's manipulation. She's free from the health issues that took her too young. She's one more angel watching over me. These things help me not be so mad.