Head Case

For the last 8 years I've lived with roommates. It started out as a way to not be alone and became a way to save money and pay off my debts. And now that its been 7 weeks of being a homeowner I've finally let myself enjoy the moment and am loving it. I've said that before, but I was saying what I thought everybody wanted me to say and was too scared to share my real, scary thoughts.

The first couple weeks of home ownership were scary! I was ready to be on my own and I've never been lonely, but I was afraid to lose it all. You see 8 years ago just before I started having roommates I was living in a home that I loved and had a relationship that had just ended and I started looking for roommates as a way to solve my loneliness as well as to help meet my monthly rent. During that time I also had one roommate that I was literally financially supporting and it almost ruined me. So now its 8 years later and I'm once again on my own and all I can think is "when is the bottom going to drop" and I was terrified I was somehow going to lose this darling house I have really grown to love. I also had the thought that I didn't deserve this home that I so love.

That seems unreasonable I'm sure. But I'm not used to things working out. For the first 22 years of my life all I knew was chaos and abuse. Over the last 9 years I've worked hard to learn who I am rather than being afraid to be anything except what my mother told me I was allowed to be. Over the last 9 years I've unlearned abusive patterns and seen what real friendship is. I've unlearned abusive love and realized what family truly is. I've unlearned impractical and irresponsible financial habits. And yet.... when I think I've moved on and all is fine the past sneaks into my head and makes me doubt a little.

So the first 3 weeks living in this new home the doubt got into my head and messed with me. It was after admitting to a friend in a conversation while laying tile in my bathroom that I was afraid of somehow losing my home and not really deserving this very awesome opportunity that I realized how wrong I was. My friend listened and right after I admitted my fears told me, "the way I see it this place will be different because you're different now. This place is a fresh start. You can only succeed here."

I loved how simple it was for my friend to say that! It was said in total assurance of me. Assurance I somehow temporarily had lost in myself. And that snapped me out of my own head. I started to completely enjoy and relish my home and no longer thought how I couldn't believe I was a homeowner or didn't deserve to be so happy, but instead was very proud of myself for being a home owner. It finally sunk it with no fear or shame, but excitement and gratitude and a determination to make it even better than I found it.

Over the last 4 weeks I have been able to honestly say I LOVE my house and being a homeowner! Plus, I'm really loving living alone. I think living alone is under rated!!!! I can spend an entire day reading a great book or painting a room. I don't have to have approval for what color paint I've chosen. I don't worry about who needs to do laundry and was I the one who left a load in the dryer. It doesn't matter if I eat a bag of popcorn for dinner or make a properly balanced meal. Its fine if I hit snooze on my alarm clock for a half hour in the morning, I won't bother anybody else in the house. I don't have to make sure the roommates get their rent in on time or find roommates or manage the property on behalf of the landlord. I am the landlord. I am only responsible for me, and I love it!

The other great thing I've come to know the last 4 weeks is how perfectly satisfied I am on my own. This is the first time in a few years that I have had no desire or longing for a relationship. I'm open to it, sure. But I am so in the moment of loving my house and living alone and being perfectly fine just being me that I don't care that I'm not in a relationship.

All this thinking feels very empowering. Like my friend said - this place is a fresh start and I can only succeed here. It feels good to believe that in my thoughts AND actions.