Cameras add 10 lbs? Thats all???

I'm having issues these days with what I look like. Actually what size I am. The funny thing is I've been bigger. To be exact 4 sizes bigger. And a few years ago I lost some weight and got down to a size I've been able to maintain for almost 2 years now. I've gained 12 pounds, but stayed in the same clothing size. That's a giant accomplishment. I know this. But I can't seem to find joy or goodness in it after seeing a video of myself. I've been fine with pictures but this video has suddenly caused me self-image issues.

I entered a contest this week for a clothing company. It was a model search. After an evening at dinner with a couple girlfriends I goofily had the thought to enter (thanks to their motivation and encouragement). So I made my video and sent it in. And after watching the video over and over again all I can think is how terrible it looks (I mean how I look). Especially from behind. And why did I enter. And why haven't I worked harder to be a smaller size.

Let's not get into the fact that I'm almost 6 ft tall and built like a boy thanks to my genetics. Let's not forget I wasn't raised knowing portion sizes or proper daily calorie totals. Let's also not forget that I had a hard year last year with a family death, a stomach issue that went so far as a colonoscopy, a parent's almost divorce, I moved away from a roommate of 2.5 years, and I bought a house. And still managed to wear the same clothes. Must keep reminding myself this.

Plus as if my own self talk isn't enough, we were given fleece vests at work. I was given a ladies 2XL. Seriously! It draped me. It was so baggy! I was shocked that the administrative assistant thought that size would fit me! I took it back to her and she offered me a 1XL. I refused and asked for an XL which I tried on in front of her and showed how sveltely that fit. So that's been a bit of a bur in my side too. The woman actually thought a 2X would fit me. Maybe her image of me is what I thought after watching that movie. Guess I should relax on her a bit.

Today is day 3 of a challenge I made myself. I've got a dvd by Jillian Michaels (the amazing, kick butt, no excuses trainer from "the Biggest Loser") that is HARD! I'm talking PX90 hard. And I've made a challenge to myself to do it for 30 days straight. And if you know me, I'll do it. Hello, I have no knee cartilage and yet I trained to run a half marathon. I can so do this kick butt dvd for 30 days straight. And my hope is that at the end of the 30 days I'm one size smaller.